Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Not Necessarily How I Think

After being single for over 3 years that instinctual feeling to pair up has grown stronger inside of me.  But there are some things that are making me want to stay out of  the whole monogamy game.  And Guys, feel free to chime in and back me on this.  Or disagree...

You see a girl on TV and man she is smoking hot, which makes sense as to why she's on TV.  You think to yourself, I'm not too bad looking of a guy and I am a great person.  If I could talk to a girl like that I surely can get a date with her and once she gets to know me I'm in for sure.  Right guys?  No, wrong!  See, I have seen more and more of the same.  You don't have what she's looking for.

There was this bartender at this establishment I frequented, and man she was very attractive.  I strike up a conversation in which she made mention several times to her boyfriend.  Now I'm not the asshole that's like see ya later once I find out she's committed.  I can hang and talk with anyone, so I did.  And the more I talk to her I find out she smart, articulate, and a bartender because she is working her way though her second stint in nursing school.  So then, I'm curious as to what kind of guy has her so wrapped up that she mentioned him in conversation in the first 30 seconds.  She ends up asking me if I want to meet this obvious Dwayne Johnson/Ryan Reynolds lookalike.  I say yeah sure, well she walks me over to a guy that looks like an uglier David Morse.  http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0001556/  Now this girl is 27, super fit, and just plain gorgeous, and he looks like a catchers mitt. 

Well here's the story, he is the son of (insert rich father), or the head of (insert awesome job), or he owns (insert lucky construction company).  The short of it is the guy is loaded.  I know this isn't always the case, a young couple can meet in college and marry, a really nice poor guy can meet and win the heart of beautiful young girl.  Or what happens in small towns a lot, meet in high school and he proposes right after they find out she's pregnant.  But for the most part if she's a young attractive girl and she's with and older, ugly, no personality having, idiot, he is loaded.  So then what does that say about her?

This isn't the only frustration, and that isn't always the case.  There is the curse of being awesome!  Being the guy that has a lot of friend that are girls who all think you will make some girl the luckiest girl in the world...  But just not them.  Damn that gets old!

You meet a girl and you make your interest know right up front but you can't gage hers so you keep at it. Then you say something, "hey I really like you and am willing to start a relationship with you."  Then she hits you with, "I only see us as friends!"  SHIT!! 

I am way beyond the going out and rawdogging some random, and I am not loaded, and I am stuck with a bunch of female friends that I would also be with!  So what do I do...

Thanks for reading, I will be posting more often and you will be sure to laugh.  Remember to follow me on Twitter @TheGrimHEEP and you can get me on FB also here: http://www.facebook.com/TheGrimHEEP?ref=tn_tnmn

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Bubba Chucks

Recently the 10 year anniversary passed of Allen Iverson's infamous press conference where he emphatically stated that they were asking about a playoff practice he showed up late to. I watched as ESPN made a mockery of it with several players, former and current, making comments on it. Karl Malone, Russel Westbrook, and others were looped over and over saying the famous line; "Practice, we talkin' bout' practice." Here's why this pissed me off.

Though a rough past, and some bad decisions, Allen Iverson was one of the most prolific scorers in NBA history and should be remembered as such.  The man is second only to MJ in playoff points average (with 71 games) and 17th on the all time scoring list with 24,368 points.  The dude could flat out light it up.  So why is it that ESPN, which mentioned none of this, took so much pleasure in destroying such and icon?  Let's be honest, he's more than just a little bit thuggish.  

In high school he almost caused the "VA riots", made a horrible rap album, and the list goes on.  But regardless of all of that, when the whistle blew, no one played with a bigger chip on his shoulder, he played as if his life were on the line.  Let's face it, his life was just about on the line, with his fearless attack of the rim, being only 6'0" (but really about 5'11") and 165 lbs, is dangerous.  But he did it play after play, that's something to marvel at.  So that thug side of him, that toughness that so many were quick to criticize is what made him so awesome to watch. 

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Don't Talk to Strangers

The following is a true story, no names have been changed to protect the innocent because I never got the guys name.

One morning I had to be in downtown Chattanooga at 8:00 in the morning for court, and this was during the time I was having car trouble.  I was lucky enough to have a friend that lived near me and worked downtown so I could catch a ride there, but I knew that I was going to have to walk home.  It was only 7 miles and it was a nice day so that was not a big deal for me to do so.  So in preparation I packed a bag with a change of clothes, my iPod and was ready to be on my way.  To make sure I chose the best route for a pedestrian I used Google maps on my iPhone to plot the course.  After walking for about 3 miles I came to a point where I had to go either left or right.  And really being in the groove of walking and not wanting to pull my phone out, I trusted my keen sense of direction and I knew I was supposed to go right.  After walking for about two miles I saw a pretty cool looking tavern that I made a mental note of returning to in the future, then I saw a Hookah lounge that surprised me, I thought, "I have been to a Hookah lounge here in Chattanooga, I didn't realize there were 2 and there has to be if I'm seeing one over here."  Wrong, the same one that I had been to before which meant that I took a wrong turn and walked 2 miles back toward downtown.

After turning and walking back the way I came, I inadvertently added 4 miles to my walk, and 7 miles suddenly becoming 11, I began to tire.  I get about 3 miles from the house and as I am walking on the edge of a parking lot I hear a horn blow.  I turn around and a guy in a Scion XB says, "Hey."
I say hey back.
He asks me, "where you walking to?"
I said, "home."
He says, "how far is that?"
"About 3 more miles", I said.
He said, "hop in."

Now everything you are taught as a kid comes to mind, I mean this was text book, he did everything but offer me candy.  I mean I was sure to get to kidnapped and tortured.  But I was really tired and really wanted to take the ride, besides, this guy picked the wrong guy to kidnap for ransom, or to murder.  I mean I am a 6'9" black guy, he can't take me even if he tried, plus I was wearing a hoodie so was obviously I was caring a gun.  So this guy wold have to be crazy to have any ill intentions, right...  So I get in the car.

Before I can even fasten my seat belt, the guy asked me how old I was.  I sort of raised an eyebrow and answered, "35."
He said, "oh, you look much younger than that."
"Thanks", I said
"So where to", he asked.
And I explained that I would just show where to turn just up ahead.
He then start in on what he was intending.
"So, do you live alone?"  He asked.
"Um, yeah, yes I live alone", I answered still feeling being the superior species in the car and knowing I was more than capable of handing things if they went south.
"Yeah, I have to pick my friend up in about 2 hours so I was just looking to kill sometime, are you in a hurry to get home" he asked?
"Well I was walking, so only as fast as I could get there, but I do need to get home."  I said.
Yeah I was just looking to kill some time," he said again "you got some time?"
At that moment my phone thankfully rang, so I answered and gave him directions while I was on the phone.

Now despite what you have read so far, I am not stupid, I gave the guy directions to the end of the next street over from where I live.  I wasn't going to give a potential homicidal maniac directions to my front door and get some surprise visit later.  As he pulls up and I am expressing my gratitude to him while on the phone he gave his last ditch effort.  "Can I come in, watch some TV and hang out for a while?"
"Sorry, man", I said, "I have things to do, but thank you again."
Being on the phone with the power company during all this I said the receptionist, "don't talk to strangers, or accept rides from them, I think that guy was going to try to rape me or something."

I made it out that time alive and safe, but who knows about next time.  Don't talk to strangers people!!
The Grim HEEP

Follow on twitter for more @TheGrimHEEP

Monday, March 12, 2012

Wow, You Have Got to be a Sumo Wrestler!

Forgive me while I rant a little, I'm entitled!

For some reason the public thinks that it is socially acceptable to just shout and comment about peoples physical features.  And don't act like you haven't done it... "Damn she's got a fat ass" or "look at the nose on that guy."  But most of the time people do this to themselves or to friends, but the one feature people think that is acceptable to speak directly to a person on is height.  Whether it be short or tall.

Now, speaking with over 20 years of experience on the subject the tall or short person is not flattered with you approaching them commenting on what is already super obvious.  The comments that come my way are worth writing about though.  People often show their intelligence when they feel the need to comment on the subject.  I have encountered a million of them and have come up with a million responses.  A lot depends on my mood which response you get, and if you're a hot chick you get a pass regardless on how you approach... Just saying.

If I am standing in line at the DMV for your sake do not grab my arm and say the oldest and dumbest one of all, let's all say it together...  "How's the weather up there?"  What the fuck does that even mean?  I know with increased altitude the temperature drops, but that's not so for a few inches or even a foot.  So I typically respond with something like, "well, what do you think of the weather today."  Or if I'm in a shitty mood I say, "IT RAINING!"  And shoot a wet raspberry their way!

Now you will want to be careful assuming that a tall person plays basketball.  We don't categorize anyone else just based on how they look.  It would be like asking a really short person if they were a horse jockey.  I can assure you that is not flattering at all.  I mean I have never asked a really fat guy if he was into competitive eating.  You just don't do that!  So what makes it acceptable to walk directly in front of a complete stranger and scream out "DAMN YOU'RE TALL."  Nothing makes that acceptable, so don't so it!  My response to that is typically, bad mood or not, is "DAMN YOUR OBSERVANT!  I thought I could sneak that one by you."

Now don't get me wrong, I do understand the curiosity of something different.  It's all about your approach, and being hot helps a lot, but few are so warm up to it with conversation.  And don't make the conversation about other tall people you know.  I don't give a shit about your uncle Steve that was 6'3" which is not even that tall.  True story...  I actually worked with a lady for about a year before she finally got up the nerve to drop it on me.  The woman said "wow, you're really tall."  I said, "yup, I have been the whole time I have worked here."  She then proceeded to asked me if I knew a set of twins that she knew.  Now I didn't catch on until the end, these twins were from Tennessee, where I lived  for a while, and they were tall and black.  We have tons in common so I must know them, right!  She did not know their names or city they were from in the entire state of TN.  So I played along, "yes I know them" I said with enthusiasm, "I actually ran into them at the meeting we have every Wednesday."  I shouldn't have done that because she said "tell them I said hi."

We all need to vent and from time to time and to do so I have a little fun with it.
This guy never said a word about my height.
And these were full grown adults!

So think twice before you think that being outside the average on anything is all fun and games.  Being my height and not on an NBA salary makes buying clothes a big financial decision.

Thanks for reading, check me out on twitter for more. @TheGrimHEEP

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Bachelor Party Specialist

   This will be my first attempt to write something for others to read besides an English professor.  Feel free to laugh at my writing skills because all blog entries will be designed for you to laugh at my expense.  The funniest stuff can't be made up.

      My brother decided to get married for some reason ignoring my expert advice to stay single forever, so since his life was over I decided to make sure his bachelor party would live in infamy forever.  I was living in Atlanta at the time and desperately wanted him to come down there to an actual city, but we were stuck in the town of Johnson City, TN instead.  Now keep in mind a few years back my back my bachelor party was also in Johnson City and it turn out not too shabby, thanks to my awesome older brother and a few friends.  But it was not one for the ages, no one got arrested and every, well almost everyone, kept all their clothes on.  So I was determined to make this one a night to be remembered by photographs only.

     On the way to Johnson City I called Carl, my older brother.  It was imperative that we come up with a plan for the evenings events.  The plan we came up was a simple and a brilliant one, to by a handle of Crown Royal.  Now that the planning was complete it was time to execute the greatest night ever!

      We started out with my little brother driving us three, over to the designated driver's house for us to pregame.  There was 3 of us and a whole bottle of Crown Royal to get us started.  I don't think any of us expected to finish the entire bottle, especially in less than an hour.  Now let me set something straight, the person that was supposed to be having the most fun of the night got the least amount of Crown.  Most people drink Crown and Coke making it 70/30, 70% Coke and 30% Crown, and that is pretty strong.  Carl got that equation backwards...  and by the time he finished the first giant glass of it, I only had a few sips out of mine.  In the middle of Carl's second one, he simply turned to me and looked me square in the eyes and said, "Fuck you Muthafucka!"  This continued until the the bottle was empty, I was trashed and Carl was beyond that, and judging from how he was behaving we were in for a fucking awesome night.

      I had another friend of mine in town that weekend who I contacted prior to the events to see if he would like to join us, let's call him Buford.  Buford was in town to see a long term friend of his from high school and she was having a pregame party at her place and then everyone was going out afterwards to party.  So my brothers and I head over there to meet Buford and his friends and as soon as my brother walks in the door he is all over the place.  Chasing girls, tripping over shit, eating all the cookies.  Buford is completely losing his mind, he already has phobia about mixing friend circles and Carl single handedly crashed all in to that circle.  Then, I hear "HOLY SHIT" from the hallway, Carl is in the restroom with the door open taking a piss, and he is bouncing around like demolition ball tearing down 4 buildings at the same time.  And the fireman let go of the hose!!  Piss if going everywhere!!!!  Golden showers for everyone!  Buford screams for me to intervene, which I didn't mind at all doing, as soon as the piss stopped.  When it did I step in to wrangle Carl who is not a small man and the floor is all wet.  I lead him out trying to get him to the car since Buford says he has to go, immediately.  Michael and I manage to walk him out to the car where the DD and Michael were going to take him back to my moms.  I leaned Carl up against the car while I turn to open the car door, I turn back to grab Carl and he is flat on his back on the ground.  Have you ever tried to pick up a 300lb plus person that is completely lifeless...?  Well let me tell you it is no small feat, but after several minutes and people to help, we get him into the car.  I stayed behind to party with my new friends as they headed out.

      From some reason Michael thought it would be a good idea to take him to his place, where his bride to be was getting her beauty rest before the biggest day of her life.  Now a this point Carl is border lined alcohol poisoned, his body starts to reject all that Carl had ingested.  The bad thing is they hadn't got him out of the car yet.  Needless to say Michael was pissed, and his fiance advised him to take him elsewhere which only further frustrated him.  On the way to my moms after a failed attempt to dump the body Carl continues to throw up all over the cars interior.

      Meanwhile I am having a blast with my friends, playing drinking games, video games, and being the normal life of the party.  Not really sure how many drunk minutes passed, I call Michael to see what was taking so long.
He answers I ask him, "where the fuck are you?"
"Trying to get this nigga out of the car before he dies!" He says.
"Before he dies?"  I ask.
He says, "let me call you back."
      At the party, we decide that it is time to take it to the club, so we all load up and head over there and the place is packed.  I walk in and one of the girls who I'd been partying with that evening handed me a shot of  something which I quickly consumed.  And that was the straw that broke the camels back, I must admit, I was shitfaced.  I decide to call my little bro, the bachelor, to try to hurry him to the awesome time we are having.
I ask again, "where the fuck are you at?"
Michael pissed says, "I washing my fucking car!"
"Why?"  I ask.  "Hurry the fuck up!"
He finally gets to us and explains that Carl was so drunk that when they got to moms it took more people to get him out of the car than it took to get him in.  I quickly dismissed the story and led him over to the bar so I could buy him a shot, and after a few of those (which I did with him) and a few minutes he began to loosen up and have a good time.

      As that portion of the night was coming to an end we head out to take the DD back to his place where this all started.  After we drop him off I was having trouble, it seem that my mouth was constantly running and I had to keep swallowing all the fluid that it kept producing.  Noticing my issues Michael offers to pulled so I can gather myself, I urge him to continue driving and I was fine.  I roll the window down on a car traveling 50 plus miles per hour and throw up all down the road and the side of the newly washed honeymoon mobile.  "FUCK!"  Michael screams as he realizes what is going on, he pulls the car in front of my moms place and screams for me to get out.  As I stagger up the driveway I notice something under the carport, it's Carl asleep on a table.  Not giving it a second thought I go inside to try to find a place to crash, and I did.

      What seemed like 5 minutes later Carl comes comes staggering in loudly and says, "I slept outside?"
I ignored him hoping it would stop soon, since it felt like somehow my brain was getting stabbed with each sound made.  He asks again, except more high pitched, "I slept outside?"
I yell, "is that a question, shut up!"
"I slept outside?"  Again he asks or says.
"Apparently so, now shut the fuck up!"  I said.
He finally disappeared.

      So I ended up throwing probably the worst bachelor party, for the bachelor ever, everyone else great time.  So Michael if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you.  I swear, a trip to Vegas is coming your way!