Saturday, February 25, 2012

Bachelor Party Specialist

   This will be my first attempt to write something for others to read besides an English professor.  Feel free to laugh at my writing skills because all blog entries will be designed for you to laugh at my expense.  The funniest stuff can't be made up.

      My brother decided to get married for some reason ignoring my expert advice to stay single forever, so since his life was over I decided to make sure his bachelor party would live in infamy forever.  I was living in Atlanta at the time and desperately wanted him to come down there to an actual city, but we were stuck in the town of Johnson City, TN instead.  Now keep in mind a few years back my back my bachelor party was also in Johnson City and it turn out not too shabby, thanks to my awesome older brother and a few friends.  But it was not one for the ages, no one got arrested and every, well almost everyone, kept all their clothes on.  So I was determined to make this one a night to be remembered by photographs only.

     On the way to Johnson City I called Carl, my older brother.  It was imperative that we come up with a plan for the evenings events.  The plan we came up was a simple and a brilliant one, to by a handle of Crown Royal.  Now that the planning was complete it was time to execute the greatest night ever!

      We started out with my little brother driving us three, over to the designated driver's house for us to pregame.  There was 3 of us and a whole bottle of Crown Royal to get us started.  I don't think any of us expected to finish the entire bottle, especially in less than an hour.  Now let me set something straight, the person that was supposed to be having the most fun of the night got the least amount of Crown.  Most people drink Crown and Coke making it 70/30, 70% Coke and 30% Crown, and that is pretty strong.  Carl got that equation backwards...  and by the time he finished the first giant glass of it, I only had a few sips out of mine.  In the middle of Carl's second one, he simply turned to me and looked me square in the eyes and said, "Fuck you Muthafucka!"  This continued until the the bottle was empty, I was trashed and Carl was beyond that, and judging from how he was behaving we were in for a fucking awesome night.

      I had another friend of mine in town that weekend who I contacted prior to the events to see if he would like to join us, let's call him Buford.  Buford was in town to see a long term friend of his from high school and she was having a pregame party at her place and then everyone was going out afterwards to party.  So my brothers and I head over there to meet Buford and his friends and as soon as my brother walks in the door he is all over the place.  Chasing girls, tripping over shit, eating all the cookies.  Buford is completely losing his mind, he already has phobia about mixing friend circles and Carl single handedly crashed all in to that circle.  Then, I hear "HOLY SHIT" from the hallway, Carl is in the restroom with the door open taking a piss, and he is bouncing around like demolition ball tearing down 4 buildings at the same time.  And the fireman let go of the hose!!  Piss if going everywhere!!!!  Golden showers for everyone!  Buford screams for me to intervene, which I didn't mind at all doing, as soon as the piss stopped.  When it did I step in to wrangle Carl who is not a small man and the floor is all wet.  I lead him out trying to get him to the car since Buford says he has to go, immediately.  Michael and I manage to walk him out to the car where the DD and Michael were going to take him back to my moms.  I leaned Carl up against the car while I turn to open the car door, I turn back to grab Carl and he is flat on his back on the ground.  Have you ever tried to pick up a 300lb plus person that is completely lifeless...?  Well let me tell you it is no small feat, but after several minutes and people to help, we get him into the car.  I stayed behind to party with my new friends as they headed out.

      From some reason Michael thought it would be a good idea to take him to his place, where his bride to be was getting her beauty rest before the biggest day of her life.  Now a this point Carl is border lined alcohol poisoned, his body starts to reject all that Carl had ingested.  The bad thing is they hadn't got him out of the car yet.  Needless to say Michael was pissed, and his fiance advised him to take him elsewhere which only further frustrated him.  On the way to my moms after a failed attempt to dump the body Carl continues to throw up all over the cars interior.

      Meanwhile I am having a blast with my friends, playing drinking games, video games, and being the normal life of the party.  Not really sure how many drunk minutes passed, I call Michael to see what was taking so long.
He answers I ask him, "where the fuck are you?"
"Trying to get this nigga out of the car before he dies!" He says.
"Before he dies?"  I ask.
He says, "let me call you back."
      At the party, we decide that it is time to take it to the club, so we all load up and head over there and the place is packed.  I walk in and one of the girls who I'd been partying with that evening handed me a shot of  something which I quickly consumed.  And that was the straw that broke the camels back, I must admit, I was shitfaced.  I decide to call my little bro, the bachelor, to try to hurry him to the awesome time we are having.
I ask again, "where the fuck are you at?"
Michael pissed says, "I washing my fucking car!"
"Why?"  I ask.  "Hurry the fuck up!"
He finally gets to us and explains that Carl was so drunk that when they got to moms it took more people to get him out of the car than it took to get him in.  I quickly dismissed the story and led him over to the bar so I could buy him a shot, and after a few of those (which I did with him) and a few minutes he began to loosen up and have a good time.

      As that portion of the night was coming to an end we head out to take the DD back to his place where this all started.  After we drop him off I was having trouble, it seem that my mouth was constantly running and I had to keep swallowing all the fluid that it kept producing.  Noticing my issues Michael offers to pulled so I can gather myself, I urge him to continue driving and I was fine.  I roll the window down on a car traveling 50 plus miles per hour and throw up all down the road and the side of the newly washed honeymoon mobile.  "FUCK!"  Michael screams as he realizes what is going on, he pulls the car in front of my moms place and screams for me to get out.  As I stagger up the driveway I notice something under the carport, it's Carl asleep on a table.  Not giving it a second thought I go inside to try to find a place to crash, and I did.

      What seemed like 5 minutes later Carl comes comes staggering in loudly and says, "I slept outside?"
I ignored him hoping it would stop soon, since it felt like somehow my brain was getting stabbed with each sound made.  He asks again, except more high pitched, "I slept outside?"
I yell, "is that a question, shut up!"
"I slept outside?"  Again he asks or says.
"Apparently so, now shut the fuck up!"  I said.
He finally disappeared.

      So I ended up throwing probably the worst bachelor party, for the bachelor ever, everyone else great time.  So Michael if you're reading this, I promise to make it up to you.  I swear, a trip to Vegas is coming your way!


  1. Nice work, DP! It was like reading an alternate version of The Hangover. Funny shit, yo.

  2. Great story. Keep it up and you will have your routine set!